Friday, June 17, 2011

Friday the 13th

I've had a terrible month. Really, it's been almost two months. I'm still healing. Physically, I'm mostly better. I still hurt at yoga this morning, but I was at yoga so that's a victory. Emotionally, I'm still struggling. More than I want to admit, actually. After finally finding out that I was pregnant in April I started to miscarry in Disney World on our first day there. As if that weren't terrible enough I got home, and while the actual miscarrying was coming to a close, I was still in excruciating pain. The pain would come and go, but when it came it literally floored me. After a blood draw with a high hcg (pregnancy hormone) level the Dr told me I was still pregnant, but after an ultrasound that showed the miscarriage was complete, they said the hormone level must be a fluke and drew another one, which after a couple days was still just as high. They drew it one more day after this to make sure, which was still high confirming an ectopic pregnancy. They gave me a shot of chemo drugs in an attempt to try and kill the growing baby cells on Wednesday. By Wednesday night I thought I was going to drown in pain. I couldn't move and I had to call Hans to come home from work early. I talked to the on call dr and she wanted to do surgery. I didn't want to yet. She told me to take tylenol (the only pain med I could take with the chemo drugs in my body) and if the pain wasn't less then to go to the ER. At this point I was thinking all of this would just end. It honestly didn't seem real. Each new development would completely surprise me. I never really believed it. I called her back after an hour and said that while the pain was less it was still excruciating. I decided to wait. The drs wanted to see me the next day. I felt okay off and on on Thursday so didn't go in. By Thursday night I couldn't move. I still managed through the tylenol to go to Bunco at the neighbors and fake my way through. Friday morning (the 13th) I felt okay. I changed into yoga clothes and thought maybe I'd try and go. Within minutes of changing I fell to the floor shaking and dry heaving and literally felt like I was dying from the inside out. I called my sister. She came within 10 minutes and took me to the ER. I was writhing in pain. Lots of morphine later I was still writhing in pain. Hans met me there after canceling his patients. I had another ultrasound and hcg draw both of which confirmed again the ectopic pregnancy. My dr came. He rushed me into surgery. He was the only one at the ER who seemed remotely in a rush. I was scared. I was sad. An hour and a half later the Dr. told Hans that it was an ectopic pregnancy (duh?), that they are difficult to diagnose, and as a result the 9 week 1 inch diameter pregnancy had ruptured my much much smaller fallopian tube into pieces. I lost a lot of blood. A lot. I almost died. I felt like I was dying so none of this came as any surprise to me. Many hours later they let me go home. I had major abdominal surgery for the 5th time. It's awful. Percocet and ibuprofen are never enough. But I'm alive and for that I'm grateful. It's hard though. I still get upset over the drama of it all. I wish that if I had to have abdominal surgery that a baby would have come out of it. And now I'm not sure I want another abdominal surgery for a baby or that I can even get pregnant. The dr tells me that theoretically I can. And then I get sad. And then I feel grateful that I have the four beautiful kids I do have. And then I get sad. I'm healing, but it's been more difficult then anything I've had to deal with before. Hans spent the hour and a half of surgery time getting more life insurance on me. He tells me that having another baby would be like a suicide mission. Justin is suffering. He has anxiety issues anyway, but this made them really severe. I can't leave his sight. I can't even leave him with Hans. He's doing a little better so hopefully with time he can go back to his really outgoing, confident self. Mia still prays for my tummy to get better. She still asks to see my bruises (which were enormous all over my belly thanks to internal bleeding). My girls still ask me if I can get pregnant. Through it all I felt enormous support and love from friends and family. I hope I learn what I'm supposed to learn from this. And that time will heal me. I also am a little bit nervous about Friday the 13th.